How to handle your child’s tantrums

Among the various challenges that parenting throws up, a rather common one is handling tantrums from your child, be it an infant, or growing child. While children may throw tantrums at any age, for the purpose of this article, we are focused on children between the age groups of 2 to 7 years. This is the rapid-growth phase of a child’s life when he/she is going through enormous change and seeing more and more of the world. There are innumerable constraints that children may face in this phase and it shows up as occasional or frequent tantrums.

What Are the Symptoms of a Tantrum?

So how does ‘tantrum’ behavior look like? What are the different ways in which children throw a tantrum fit? While some children may come up with their own unique ways depending on their environment, common symptoms are:

• Whining, crying, shouting, and using cuss words
• Clamming up or refusing to speak
• Arguing with the parent
• Kicking, hitting, and pinching
• Throwing objects at a person, or around, or against a wall
• Breaking toys and household objects
• Tearing clothes or books
• Being nasty or rude to a sibling, hitting the sibling
• Flailing arms and legs
• Rolling on the floor, crying or screaming
• Holding the breath
• Vomiting and forcing oneself to do so
• Tensing the body or going limp
• Avoiding homework, bedtime, and an end to playtime
• Avoiding cleaning up or being tidy
• Avoiding social interactions with friends or family
• Locking oneself up in the room, withdrawing to a corner
• Threatening to hurt oneself or hurt the parent
• Headaches, stomach-aches, and anxiety (genuine)

Causes

Tantrums are not deliberate actions that reflect poor parenting or being a spoilt brat, as we often hear people say. Most of the time, there are genuine reasons triggering a conscious or unconscious response in the form of a tantrum. Again, there may be causes unique to a particular child, but common ones are:

• Inability to communicate: This is the single-most cause of most tantrums. A young child does not have a vast vocabulary and cannot articulate his/her feelings properly about what he/she dislikes. This adds to the frustration, so the only outlet the child understands is a tantrum. It’s a signal to the parent that “you do not understand me”.
• Frustration: In addition to the above, frustration can come from having to wait for different things, badly wanting something that another child has, (like a treat or toy) and not getting it, frustration about various aspects of the parent’s behavior, lifestyle, an unwanted pet, an older sibling that gets on his/her nerves, or even an untidy home.
• Wanting attention: When parents are not giving enough attention to the child, the child feels a separation from the parents and panics. Over time, he/she throws tantrums as a way of catching the parents’ attention.
• Avoiding doing something: Some children are plain lazy which could be due to their genes, childhood obesity, poor diet, and malnutrition. Or they could be indifferent to life if they see their parents that way. Such kids tend to avoid cleaning up or leaving the park to get home, etc, and when parents do not agree, they resist by throwing a tantrum.
• Hunger: Like with adults, even with kids, hunger can trigger anger or irritability, leading to tantrums.
• Fatigue: While fatigue is natural, older children and adults have ways to cope with it. Younger children are yet to figure it out, so they become irritable and throw tantrums.
• Abuse and neglect: Physical, verbal and sexual abuse by parents, relatives, or friends can trigger a wide range of coping mechanisms in the child including throwing tantrums. So also, a feeling of being neglected can create an adverse reaction in the form of tantrums.
• Traumatic experiences: A divorce between the parents, custody battles, death of a parent, an accident, or major injury can trigger feelings similar to PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) in adults, leading to frequent tantrums.
• Social anxiety: A child that perceives itself to be less attractive, shorter, fatter, less bright than other kids can develop anxiety and start avoiding interactions with people.
• ADHD: This is a genuine psychosomatic disorder, which makes the child edgy, always full of nervous energy, and inability to concentrate. When parents are not aware of this or appreciate its seriousness, there can be conflicts, and so the child throws a tantrum in response.
• Learning disorders: Children with learning disabilities like dyslexia may start avoiding homework, or even going to school. When parents are not aware of this or appreciate its seriousness, there can be conflicts, and so the child throws a tantrum in response.
• Temperament: Some children are inherently temperamental, genetically speaking. When a parent or older sibling also shows such behavior, the child who is observing this all the time may think this is perfectly normal and emulates or imitates them.
• Strong emotions: Strong emotions like anger, embarrassment, shame, guilt, joy and disappointment can be difficult for kids. Not knowing how to handle them can cause the child to use a tantrum as an outlet.

How to handle tantrums: Dos and Don’ts

• Identify the root cause: The first priority of a good parent is to identify the root-cause that is triggering the tantrums. Once identified, work towards resolving them. Some factors will take time while some may not be resolvable. But the awareness will help you come up with creative ways of dealing with the problem.
• Stay calm: Even as your child is throwing a tantrum, do not react strongly. Stay calm, stay firm and but do not give in to such behavior. At the same time, encourage a conversation about the issue. The child will understand that tantrums will not work and will also appreciate the attention you are giving to the issue.
• Consider the request carefully: Sometimes, the request may be genuine, so you need to be empathetic. If the request does not cause any serious harm to the child, and there is some merit, then you can give in.
• Ignore the tantrum: But after considering the request carefully, you are convinced that it’s not healthy, and the tantrum still continues, you should ignore the tantrum. This will pass a strong message to the child that he/she cannot have his/her way always.
• Keep the child safe: Even as you ignore the tantrum, keep your child safe from harm’s way. Keep a close watch so that he /she cannot harm himself/herself or others, out of frustration.
• Be consistent: The above set of behaviors must be consistent and must not change arbitrarily. Else, the child will get confused or still worse start manipulating you over time. But if you make an exception occasionally, explain why you are doing so, so the child is clear.
• Do not bribe: No matter what you do, avoid bribes to stop the tantrums as it will set a dangerous precedent. The child will continue such behaviors even after growing up.
• Give choices and control: If the root cause for the tantrum is not strong and you can afford to be a little flexible, you can offer choices. The child can choose to do something else instead of that which he/she dislikes. The choice gives the child a feeling of control and he/she will be happy to cooperate.
• Distract the child: Sometimes, when nothing is working out, you can try distracting the child. This will stop the tantrum for now even as you brainstorm on how to handle this next time.
• Know his/her limits: Know how much hunger or fatigue your child can bear. Do not push those limits, as the child may react through tantrums.
• Discipline, do not punish: One of the most common mistakes that most parents do is to punish the child for a tantrum by deliberately denying them something they enjoy. This can only cause resentment and rebellion in the child. Instead, isolate them or keep a distance for some time. Then when they are in control, explain how such behavior is wrong. They will gradually understand the importance (or inevitability) of discipline.
• Prepare for transitions: When the child has to do some activity which he/she detests and throws a tantrum about, tell him/her upfront that it will be time for the same. The child will have some time to adjust his/her feelings and deal with the activity without throwing tantrums.
• Do not compare: Not all children are alike. Their likes and dislikes are different and so are their tantrums. Do not assume your friend or relative’s child does not throw tantrums and cite them as an example. It will only build resentment in your child and alienate him/her further away from you.
• Give plenty of positive attention: All such times when there are no tantrums, be very close to your child. Spend as much time as possible with them. Acknowledge their feelings and understand what they like or dislike and why it is so. Praise and reward their good behavior when they are not throwing tantrums or did a good act. Be specific while giving praise and avoid vague generalizations. Be generous in showing love. A hug, a kiss, propping them up on the lap and watching TV together or playing games with them – all this will convince them that you love them and will give them genuine attention. This will automatically reduce the motivation to throw tantrums.
• Incentivize: Further, you can incentivize good behavior with promises of something good or useful to them. You can also give a surprise reward which is a subtle incentive.
• Watch your own behavior: If the child sees his/her parents throwing tantrums with their own parents (grandparents), siblings, and colleagues (over the phone), they may assume it’s normal to do so. Your strong reactions to his/her tantrums will then leave him/her confused or lose respect for you altogether. Subsequent efforts to discipline him/her will be met with indifference and rebellion.

Outlook

If parenting were a full-time job, it would be one of the most difficult professions in the world. None of us are taught how to be good parents in any college or university. It’s only recently that you hear of self-help groups on the Internet or social media. So everyone has to figure out ways to deal with parenting challenges, one of which is handling tantrums.

If you are sure there is no underlying cause for the tantrum and you are practicing all the good strategies mentioned above, but the tantrums still continue, then it’s time to seek out a subject matter expert.

Consult a reputed hospital. Such hospitals have child psychologists or child behavior counselors on their rolls. They will spend time with you and your child separately, and then together, to understand the why or what of it. Over several sessions, he/she will be able to identify the best possible solution for the same and implement it with you and your child.

 

Kauvery Hospital is globally known for its multidisciplinary services at all its Centers of Excellence, and for its comprehensive, Avant-Grade technology, especially in diagnostics and remedial care in heart diseases, transplantation, vascular and neurosciences medicine. Located in the heart of Trichy (Tennur, Royal Road and Alexandria Road (Cantonment), Chennai, Hosur, Salem, Tirunelveli and Bengaluru, the hospital also renders adult and pediatric trauma care.

Chennai – 044 4000 6000 • Trichy – Cantonment – 0431 4077777 • Trichy – Heartcity – 0431 4003500 • Trichy – Tennur – 0431 4022555 • Hosur – 04344 272727 • Salem – 0427 2677777 • Tirunelveli – 0462 4006000 • Bengaluru – 080 6801 6801